Four Ways to Handle Anger Constructively

I get angry. Mostly — I have to admit — at my husband.

I don’t get road rage; I don’t get irritated waiting in long lines; I don’t get mad at bad service in a restaurant or café. I’m cool in those situations.

No: Sad to say, what anger I have arises mostly at stuff my husband does. (Sub in your mother, daughter, son, sister, brother, or best friend.) And, lots of times, I don’t handle it well. Sometimes, I say mean or critical things and hurt him.

But, when I lash out at my husband, I end up feeling worse than the original anger made me feel. Hurting him hurts me: It fills me with remorse, guilt, and depression. That’s one of the ways love works, right? It hurts us to hurt someone else.

Still, it’s right and healthy to tell him (or whomever) when I feel angry, and why.

It’s how I communicate it that makes all the difference.

Have you heard the expression “Mean what you say, but don’t be mean when you say it.”? It’s a good one to remember.

Essentially, anger evolved to help us defend and protect ourselves, families, tribes, food, home, etc. It’s part and parcel of the old fight or flight syndrome that served us so well millennia ago. When someone threatens us and ours, fear and anger arise to give us the direction and energy to fight off the invader. Today, healthy anger helps us stand up for ourselves and motivates us to try to make things better.

The problem arises when the intense flight or fight response kicks in as strongly over spilled milk as it once did at the sight of a saber-toothed tiger.

Dialing back the stress hormones – and not letting them control you — takes practice.

Anger isn’t easy for me. But I’ve gotten much, much better at it. Here’s how.

Pause Before Speaking

Anger wants the satisfaction of hurting the other person! It’s a powerful impulse that wants to be heard!

So, first things first, find a way to not say anything until you have time to get yourself together. You want to be able to respond mindfully, not react in a knee jerk fashion.

You can do this lots of ways, depending on the situation, where you are, and how angry you feel.

Wherever you are, you can breathe in and out, slowly and deeply, three, or five, or ten times. Deep, conscious breaths are amazingly effective at calming us.

You could also take take a walk, exercise, or if you’re in public, excuse yourself and go into the bathroom and breathe. Seriously.

Another way to get some space is to write out your feelings. You can even do it on your phone with your thumbs! This is just for you. Let it rip, then throw it away!

Once you’ve gotten a grip on yourself, remember your commitment to, and techniques for,  expressing your anger in ways that show respect for both yourself and the other guy.

Communicate How You Feel Instead of Attacking

After taking the time to calm down, you’ll be ready to communicate.

Make sure, though, not to start what could be a difficult conversation if the time and place isn’t right. Don’t bring it up in a social situation or at a time when the other person is doing something important to them. Choose your time.

What you really want, when you express anger, is to connect with the other person. You want him or her to understand why you feel the way you do. But saying things like “I hate that you did X,Y, and Z…” puts them on the defensive. That isn’t going to foster a connection.

Most therapists recommend using “I” statements that focus on your feelings and experience, instead of criticizing the other person.

For instance, you could say: “When you interrupt me and answer my questions before I’m finished asking  them, I feel frustrated and confused. When you do that — answer me when I’m still talking — I can’t be sure I heard exactly what you said. And, the whole thing makes me mad.”

Reduce your stress

Among human beings’ many awesome parts, they’re also imperfect, sensitive animals!

Sometimes, we’re more vulnerable to getting angry because we haven’t gotten our basic needs met.

You hear this all the time: “She’s cranky because she hasn’t eaten (hasn’t slept, has been working too hard, etc.).”

We need to lower our stress levels so we don’t fly off into the old, limbic brain-based fight or flight reaction over nothing.

Twelve step programs use the acronym HALT to remind people in recovery not to leave themselves vulnerable to destructive behavior by getting hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. The same thing applies here.

You know the drill. Eat regularly and as well as you can. Get enough sleep. Exercise. Meditate or breathe or sit quietly on a regular basic. Cultivate your friendships. Find ways to have fun. Practice gratitude for all the good there is in your life. The list is endless.

Personal Disarmament

 Sometimes you can’t forgive the other guy and continue to feel resentment after having a constructive argument.

Often this happens because your anger is masking sadness, fear, jealousy or some other hard feeling. Until you identify these painful emotions, you probably won’t be able to let go and forgive the other person.

If you can’t do this by yourself, try talking to a friend you totally trust. If you don’t have someone like that, see a therapist.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a particularly good type of therapy that helps people identify their beliefs and behaviors around anger.

Many of us never learned how to argue constructively. Many of us didn’t have parents who modeled healthy problem solving behavior. Many of us don’t have good skills around conflict.

CBT is often short-term therapy designed to give you practical tools to help you change your behavior.